Alison Goulding: ‘Will the Queen lead the conga?’

Kate Middleton
Kate Middleton
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ONE more sleep and it’s time for the big day.

Unless they suddenly get cold feet, Prince William and Kate Middleton will be tying the knot in style tomorrow.

Even though it has nothing to do with me I’m still very excited and can’t wait to see her frock.

But I’ll have to wait a bit longer than most since I’ll be celebrating my boyfriend’s birthday with a mini break and won’t be anywhere near a television.

Not to worry, there’s always Sky plus and the delay will just add to the anticipation.

I’m no Royalist but I’ve been gripped by the whole thing. Though I’m possibly less obsessed than trainee accountant Wesley Hosie, who claims he has found the face of Kate Middleton on a mango flavoured jelly bean...there’s always one.

I’ve had a soft spot for William ever since his mum died and I saw him at the funeral looking all brave and sad. And Kate Middleton is just cool. She’s elegant with great hair and beautiful clothes, which you’d expect from a princess-to-be, but she’s got that cheeky grin that suggests she’s not adverse to the odd fart joke.

I get the impression they get on very well and will avoid the disastrous outcome of previous Royal weddings by having weathered a few years together before the big ‘I do’.

The only concern for me is that we subjects/commoners aren’t going to get enough proper details about the big day. I want to know what kind of vol-au-vents they’re going to have at the reception. I want to know which guest is going to get really drunk and try it on with the bridesmaids. I want to know if the DJ’s going to play Abba! i want to know if the Queen is going to lead the conga!! And if I don’t find out I’m not afraid to ask under the Freedom of Information Act...

Speaking of weddings, I’ll be off to London Lucie’s soon as bridesmaid. I can’t wait and keep misting up as I think about the day and all the speaches and everything.

That said I am facing a few minor obstacles in being an attractive bridesmaid. Firstly, I have suddenly become rather fat. There’s no bun in the oven and I’m eating no more than usual so I’ve decided it’s all the wedding excitement making my body and face swell up to twice the size. Hopefully I will have calmed down enough to fit into my dress but as a plan b I’m going to invest in some giant support knickers to squish my belly in. I’m sure this will feel a bit horrible in the Italian heat but there’s no other way, I don’t want to inflict my inflated body on a load of pristine guests.

Secondly, I’m also going to have to make sure I don’t get sunburned beforehand. I tend to go a bit lobster coloured in the heat and with a pink dress this is bad news.

And lastly, I’m a tiny bit worried that my hair is going to go mad in the heat and turn into an enchanted wood. No doubt London Lucie will be less than thrilled if I rock up looking like a swollen crustacean in a wig so if anyone has any practical solutions feel free to email me.

So far I’m banking on the fact that no one pays any attention to the bridesmaids but since they’ll be a photographer there I’m going to need a plan that’s a bit better thought out.