Alison Goulding: Noisy, noisy, noise

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WHIPPER snappers listen up. All this youth won’t last for ever y’know.

Not so long ago I was like you. I loved noisy noisy noise – in clubs, at home, in my car, at work.

The louder the better, the more thumpy the happier I felt.

And now I am of an age where the idea of churches and libraries is starting to feel really, really good.

I used to love boy racers and their silly bonny cars – all those blasting amps made it feel like summer.

Now I want to shush them for all time, preferably using a car crusher.

There is one in particular who is getting right on my pip.

His lass lives in the flats next to mine and every time I’m having a quiet little nap he arrives and it sounds like a war has started. Brrrrrr, boom, boom, boom, revvvvv!

Last time he rocked up I was sunning myself in the communal garden.

He may have thought I was squinting at him seductively, but I wasn’t, I was glaring at him with quarrel in my eyes and deciding whether or not I could shove a potato up his exhaust and get away with it.

Slamming doors and noisy mobile ringtones have a similar effect on me. In fact, they make me want to use one to cure the other.

I won’t even listen to the radio properly. I like it to be at a volume that suggests muttering ghosts in the next room. If I can hear the lyrics I’m disappointed.

Fortunately I have some superb technology to back up my intolerance.

My shiny expensive phone has an app on it that lets you record noise. In any given situation I can press record and I have proof, concrete proof of how unfeasibly noisy the world is.

The only strange thing is that people don’t seem to be interested in listening to my evidence with me.

They laugh nervously (and quietly) and then suddenly remember they’ve got somewhere they need to be.

Presumably as I get older this is going to get worse.

At some point I’m going to be wandering around in June wearing earplugs, earwarmers and some kind of styrofoam bonnet.

By then people might be too scared to come anywhere near me, and I might finally get some peace and quiet. I live in hope.