COUCH POTATO: The Jump’s insurmountable issue and This Morning does bondage for beginners

The Jump Series 2 , Louise Thompson

The Jump Series 2 , Louise Thompson

0
Have your say

The Royal Family is suffering a major image problem.

A new unauthorised biography has tarnished Prince Charles. The less said about Prince Andrew the better. And it’ll be 65 years before no one who witnessed that It’s A Royal Knockout farce is still alive.

The Jump Series 2 - (Ashley Roberts)

The Jump Series 2 - (Ashley Roberts)

So who better to restore some morale than rugby World Cup winner HRH Mike Tindall, in a skeleton bob race against Louie Spence?

Well, anyone, actually. A slide here and a bump there and all around the Austrian Alps echoed the cry: “I’ve just done Mike Tindall!” as the self-styled “high-kicking homosexual with a speech impediment” whooped around like Daffy Duck in victory.

A never-to-be-topped moment from Channel 4’s celebrity winter sports carnage The Jump, back bewilderingly for a second series with a few changes.

They’ve attached heart monitors to the contestants, but not the flat-lining audience, and dispensed with smartypants Alex Brooker.

There’s a pointless E4 spin-off show, mostly featuring Judy Finnigan at the alpine lodge bar.

And we have a new knockout event, the Air Jump, which is, to be fair, a spectacle but apparently deemed too exciting to make more than a couple of outings all week.

So we’re stuck with an even bigger insurmountable issue than last year — the show’s big selling point, the “scariest elimination on TV” ski jump-off, is not only its least dangerous activity, it’s now not even its own scariest elimination.

The middle slope brings mild peril. The smallest, tackled by Phil Tufnell and Gogglebox’s Dom Parker, is for Innsbruck’s three-year-olds.

It means host Davina “listen” McCall, who’s dressing alarmingly like Joe Pasquale trying out for the next Milk Tray Man, has to spew lies like: “This is so exciting!” through her chattering teeth.

She’s in full-on, not-acting-her-age mode, jumping up and down to the accordion house band, discussing her “frozen snot” and inventing new sports like “live cross snow cross”.

And, sticking her neck out after Spence’s 6m high Air Jump, McCall announced: “Louie did a jump there, I think.”

No pulling the wool over her eyes.

Even more uninspiring is the line-up of which Joey Essex and Stacey Solomon are two of the more credible names.

The rest are largely reality show clockers-in like Chloe Madeley, JB Gill and Ashley Roberts, a list that looked even weaker on day two when Heather Mills went out.

Fortunately, there was a ready-made hate-figure replacement — stuck-up Lady Victoria Hervey who describes herself as “the silent but violent type” and is fulfilling her role as series guff.

The problem is she defeats the entry requirement, having been “skiing since I was five”, two years fewer, in fact, than Made In Chelsea’s Louise Thompson.

There’s absolutely no point in them taking part.

At least the likes of Essex, Madeley and Roberts who “hasn’t done winter sports but has watched Cool Runnings” have learned as they’ve gone. Likewise Paralympian Jon-Allan Butterworth whose one-armed 60mph skeleton run was as remarkable as it was inspirational.

Should a third series miraculously arise, they should stick to these sliding events plus the new snow-cross (rough-and-tumble roller-skating) and replace the original limp-lettuce eliminator with the Air Jump.

As McCall asked Dom Parker: “You hate the jump, don’t you?”

“Yes, I hate the jump.”

You’re not alone, Dom.

===========

This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates…

ITV awarding Mel & Sue a Best Bits show after three weeks.

ITV2’s diabolical Keith Lemon Sketch Show committing the TV crime of making guest star Phillip Schofield swear.

Celebrity Big Brother’s Perez Hilton voted out 29 days too late.

Sky Sports splitting Transfer Deadline Day dream team Jim White and Natalie Sawyer while hiding its reporters from unruly fans.

Zoe Wanamaker’s comedy Russian accent on Mr Selfridge: “Dah-leeng, I voz vundering. Your motherrr’s studio would make a vunderful office for heem. Hee could do his design vurk therrre. Shall vee tickle luck?”

And This Morning’s “ultimate Valentine’s weekend away guide” including Alwalton Travelodge. Romance isn’t dead. It’s £21 a night in a southbound lay-by off the A1 in Peterborough.

===========

C5 sent 20 volunteers to survive two months in the Stone Age “without any 21st-century help”.

None whatsoever. Just boots, blankets, shelter, food, Flintstones clothes, a freshly killed deer, purpose-built well, medic and an entire health & safety team.

A genuine prehistoric hunter-gatherer experience, on 10,000BC, with a cast “chosen to reflect modern Britain” including a vehement veggie, self-pitying slacker who defecated inside camp and overwhelming uselessness.

Modern Britain alright.

One campmate asked health & safety if they could eat a salamander and reported back: “The poison in it causes paralysis, convulsions and death.”

So they said fill your boots, yeah?

===========

WHIRRRR-CRACK! Just another regular This Morning with whips, leather collars and feather spankers on a “bondage for beginners masterclass”.

We had Christine Bleakley’s safe word (“Ouch!”), Phillip Schofield trying on nipple clamps, his important safety warning: “We should point out this rope is not for around your neck.”

And Schofe asking sexpert Annabelle Knight: “How do you bring this sort of thing up in conversation?”

Usually by asking This Morning if it’s looking to fill its bizarre-sex slot. Then sitting opposite Phil and Christine.

===========

This week’s Withering Putdown award goes to…

The Voice’s Emma Willis to Brother Beyond ex-lead singer Nathan Moore: “My sister was a massive fan of you. I was a massive Bros fan.”

The harder you try, the further away from you it’s slipping, Em.

===========

A SEA of humanity gathered for Walford Half Marathon.

All 27 of them, by my headcount, as EastEnders handled the fun run almost as messily as Stan’s crude, sudden euthanasia story.

As for would-be mercy-killer Tina asking: “What’s the best painkiller in the world?” The TV off button, 7.30pm, most week nights.

===========

Harry Styles’s coming of age prompted This Morning’s Ruth Langsford to ask: “What lies ahead for him in his 21st year?”

Astrologer Russell Grant: “There’s Mercury retrograde up until the middle of February, so the important thing for Aquarians is make absolutely sure any decisions and choices are the ones you really want to make.

“And with two new moons and the sun in Aquarius this is going to be a hot-diggity month.”

He doesn’t know, Ruth.

===========

This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes…

C4’s Catastrophe.

James Bolam’s unexpectedly charming Get Your Act Together song-and-dance with Michael Ball.

The One Show’s Denise Lewis telling EastEnders’ Rakhee Thakrar, on her character sleeping with Kush: “I didn’t know Shabs had it in her.”

Celeb Big Brother’s Keith Chegwin uncorking his anger at vile Katie Hopkins: “I’m ready for a fight if anyone wants to tackle me tonight.”

Mel & Sue’s viewer’s letter: “You guys have a way of making me fall into a deep sleep in front of the TV.”

And Inside The Commons’ talking head David Cameron on PMQs: “There isn’t a Wednesday where I don’t feel total fear.” I feel you, Dave. Bin day’s a stressful time for all of us. What if the lorry comes before the bags are out?

===========

Rhod Gilbert vs Kilimanjaro? I’ll pass.

Rhod Gilbert vs Mike Tyson? Pass the popcorn.