COUCH POTATO: Gary Busey’s cock and bull story

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: d: Channel 5/PA
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: d: Channel 5/PA
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ANYONE fortunate enough to miss the shocking moment in the house, on Monday night, would believe it’s a cock and bull story.

So to speak.

Hollywood actor Gary Busey’s dodgy knee went twang so, with no warning, he whipped down his trousers, revealing he was going commando, planted his bare bum on the kitchen chair and moved his exposed todger aside to adjust his brace.

I’m not sure which was funniest.

James Jordan’s rabbit-in-the-headlights bewildered horror.

George from Gogglebox declaring: “I’m not a professional. I don’t know how to deal with that situation.”

Or Dee Kelly telling the diary room: “I didn’t expect to come into the kitchen and see Gary Busey’s bits.”

As Channel 5’s continuity man had announced: “This is not your typical Celebrity Big Brother.”

It certainly isn’t. In fact CBB XIV has been so good I’d place it fourth on the all-time list.

Believe me, that’s a compliment.

But there are good reasons why it falls short of the three immense Lee Ryan, George Galloway and Julie Goodyear series.

Too many wasted bookings, too much meddling by producers trying to engineer rows which were already blowing up and way too much focus on non-events like the Towie/Geordie Shore will they, won’t they?

They didn’t, for the record, and it was clear from the outset that Lauren Goodger and Ricci Somebody never would, given the minor inconvenience that she wasn’t interested.

Romance spices up any reality show (see also CBB XIII starring that prat from Blue), but only if there’s any prospect of it in the first place.

Ricci’s solitary contribution was having his delicate self-esteem pricked by a viewer’s brutal complaint that he’s dull during the brilliant call centre task, while Lauren’s was claiming: “The media already slag me off, so if I say silly things it will affect me more than anyone else.”

Which got this magical reply from James Jordan: “So don’t say silly things.”

Indeed, the assembled egos’ staggering lack of self-awareness and sense of irony has delivered extraordinary scenes.

James Jordan telling Audley Harrison: “You’re very bossy.”

Busey nominating Jordan: “He doesn’t listen while others are talking and interrupts at any time.”

And Harrison claiming George Gilbey isn’t a proper celebrity. I’m still chuckling at that one.

It’s a testament to the strength of this series that it absorbed the eviction of its two biggest, most volatile horrors – Frenchy and Kellie Morgan – mid-run without the entertainment suffering.

Likewise the disgraceful, PC, double standards that overlooked Maloney’s violent threats but led to Harrison warned for “feeling a little uncomfortable” that the person he’s known 30 years as Frank is now living as a woman.

The series survived these knocks because it’s had at its core the fantastically watchable, condescending twerp Jordan and the MVP, impossibly rude Busey, in his 32nd incarnation.

The “messenger of hope, truth and love” possesses not a single good manner and spouts cryptic thoughts like: “Rectangle monkey hoops are alive.” (Ahhh.)

He’s a force of nature, professional interrupter and a keen learner of life lessons (like not pulling his jeans down in the kitchen again): “I understand what it is when the British public saves you. And that’s the truth.”

“A conflict has got to be put out to pasture, exonerated like a raging bull in a rodeo. And that’s the truth.”

He’s had Jordan’s number, as Jordan has had his with this assessment of Busey: “Hollywood legend, complete and utter arsehole...”

... ideal CBB contestant.

And that’s the truth.

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This week’s Bad News Dressed Up As Good News award goes to...

This Morning’s soap expert Sharon Marshall: “It’s a good week for Shirley in EastEnders.

“She’s going to sleep with Phil.”

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This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates...

Strictly’s three-week hiatus.

BBC1 plugging a CBBC show at 8.59pm on a school night.

Bake Off cheating fans by eliminating nobody in European cake week, and allowing an Israeli pudding “because it’s in Eurovision”.

Cora’s nightmarish Marilyn* impression singing Happy Birthday to Stan, on EastEnders. (*Manson, not Monroe.)

This Morning’s Jeff Brazier with “all the gossip from the TV Choice Awards” except the only bit worth sharing, Danny Dyer licking Mary Berry’s ear at the podium.

And Good Morning Britain flashing up the captions “hosptial”, “chariman” and “indepedent” in the week it launched (wait for it) a child literacy campaign. Full makrs.

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Déjà vu at last night’s arena auditions with the same acts we’ve already seen and Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh rowing over Judges’ Houses reject Paul Akister, as they did a week ago.

Fair do’s though. Cowell’s reinvigorated X Factor with fun and crazies, even if Cheryl’s worryingly on a different page to anyone else.

Oh, this just in from last weekend. Louis’s “absolutely yes” count: eight. Mel’s “definite yes”: seven.

(Lauren Platt to win.)

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A glaring omission from Caroline Flack, reeling off her CV in BBC1’s ballroom: “I’ve picked daffodils for a living, worked in a meat factory, been a magician’s assistant...”

... won BBC3’s Dancing On Wheels...

No idea why it slipped her mind. Or why Pixie Lott played down her previous brief dalliance with dance (eight years at stage school).

Still, Strictly’s launch show bodes well for a series whose underwhelming line-up may well be greater than the sum of its parts.

And I’ll do my best to heed EastEnder Jake Wood’s request: “People call me Max wherever I go. It would be lovely if someone just once called me Jake.”

I’ll try, Max. I really will.

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Penguins On A Plane?

Worst sequel ever.

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This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes...

Boardwalk Empire

Dave Gorman’s meticulous Modern Life Is Goodish, on Dave.

Sprinklers showering Adrian Chiles and his pitchside pals before Switzerland v England.

Prince Harry’s Invictus Games erasing the memory of Prince Edward’s It’s A Royal Knockout.

This Morning resuming normal business with “the woman groped in bed by a ghost”.

Peter Capaldi’s Doctor Who finally getting into its stride last night with what the show does best – simple frights.

And Bob Monkhouse’s, erm, natural successor, Celebrity Squares’ Warwick Davis, asking: “In what industry would you find the job titles stripper, teaser and filler?” The Sugababes?

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The One Show’s Alex Jones at the Invictus Games opening ceremony in Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park: “Have we ever seen a more inspiring parade?”

Two years ago, London 2012, Paralympics opening ceremony, in that big stadium just over your shoulder, Alex.

Surprised you can’t remember it.

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C4 taxidermy doc All Creatures Great & Stuffed narrator: “Having already seen a flying cat and an ejaculating hedgehog, I had no idea things were about to get even stranger.”

No kidding. A dead lamb being turned into a “unicorn” with a cheese knife. An American freeze-drying deceased pets. A Dutchman, attaching a jetpack to a shark, being asked: “Do you know the English word ‘bonkers’?”

And pest controller Mark requesting a unique mounting for a rare white mole: “I was thinking along the lines of Indiana Jones wielding a sword in his hand... yeah, try to keep him as natural as possible.”

Because without the sword, it’d look really strange, wouldn’t it?

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EastEnders’ Roxy to Sharon: “You can’t just wear any frumpy old thing on your wedding day.”

Well why change the habit of a lifetime?