Toongerine dreams of electric sheep, well, whales and galloping horses ... and Cozy Powell
I returned home to find our five-year-old - red faced, tears streaming down his face - sitting on the naughty step.
I'd suspected something was up when, on stepping out of the car, I found the front drive strewn with our Isaac's teddy bears.
Isaac may look angelic but he's the more taxing of our two boys (for "more taxing" read "certified mad-child", and had unleashed hell on the household after a day cooped up in school learning things.
(There's nothing gets his back up more than that tiresome "learning of things" malarkey, believe me).
To wind down after a tough day crayon pushing, he'd gone launched a full scale trampoline offensive on his brother. My wife had threatened to throw his toys out if he didn't stop. He didn't stop.
In the end she grabbed him by the arm and told him to sit on the naughty step for 10 minutes to cool down. I arrived two minutes into that 10. He was not cool, but came out with a classic line.
With anger and indignity coursing through his veins he stood up, presented his arm to me, and blasted: "Look what your wife did to my arm."
A nice touch that "Your wife." It's a term that both rejects her status as his mother while suggesting that the situation is somehow my fault, presumably for not keeping my wife under control.
He'll go far that boy. About 360 miles. Either to a seat in Parliament or a cell in Belmarsh.
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Questioning the sexuality of a distant acquaintance (well, you've got to pass the time somehow haven't you?) my wife introduced yet another of her now all too frequent Michelle-isms.
"You know what," she said. "I reckon he bats for both camps."
Of course what she meant was: "bats for both sides," as Oscar Wilde put it, probably.
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Electric cars will soon be cruising around the streets of Wearside as part of a 10million low-carbon motor project revealed in the Echo this week – but what noise will they make?
Motors manufactures and safety experts are concerned about the lack of noise from electric cars with many considering adding noise to protect pedestrians. (Those pedestrians who presumably step out into the road and THEN look for traffic – let 'em get knocked over, I say).
Lotus engineers have been working with Toyota to produce an electric Prius vehicle that has an inbuilt speaker that emits a sporty engine sound. Others will no doubt follow suit.
But why consider only engine noise? I've long been the advocate of compulsory birdsong mobile phone ring tones. What a cheerer world it would be with, instead of the Crazy Frog and other annoying mobile phone rings, we had nightingales chirping every time a mobile rang.
So why limit ourselves to growling engines in electric cars? Why not something more natural, like the sound of galloping hooves or perhaps haunting whale song? What do you think?
Ah, I hear the more perceptive of you cry, but what about deaf people? Easy, I would have all cars painted in the new Newcastle United change strip colours of Toongerine … you'd see them coming a mile off.
* Got a car sound you'd like to hear? Star Wars X-Wing, Cozy Powell drum solo, a yawn, a belch or a small boy crying: "Look what your wife did to my arm!" Send your suggestions to richard.ord@northeast-press.co.uk. Most original answers used will receive a prize.
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Friday 10 February 2012
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