The subtle art of teaching children the building blocks of life. Ding, ding! Seconds out: Round one...
Given the choice between helping our five-year-old with his homework and cleaning out the rabbit hutch, it's the bunny every time.
You'd think it would be a close call but, to be honest, even if I had to clean out the hutch with my tongue, it would still be the preferred option.
What should be a beautiful bonding process between father and son invariably ends in a war of words. Those words being his unread ones on the page and the loud ones bellowed from my mouth.
Hell has a name. And that name is Sam and Sue Go to the Zoo.
He can read the book at school with his teachers, no problem. The entry in his reading record book has the teacher's words writ large: "Good reading Isaac. Well done."
But sitting with his dad at home reading, well, that's another story.
My entry in his reading record book is a little different: "For the love of God. Won't somebody help me? I can't go on …", it reads. The letters are scrawled in blood. My blood.
It's like his storybook is coated in some sort of invisible eye-repellent. He'll look anywhere rather than at the page and those darned words.
Open the book and what was once a dull kitchen table becomes a whole universe of wonder.
"What's that there, dad?" he said the other night, pointing at a tomato ketchup stain. "Is it blood?"
"Just read the book, Isaac."
"Can I have a chocolate?"
"If you read your book, Daddy will get you a chocolate. Now say the first word …"
"Can I have a Yorkie bar?"
"You can have piece of the Yorkie bar, if you read the book. What's that first word? It begins with a T."
"I want the whole bar."
"Just read the book," I half squealed. I could feel my heart quickening. Stay calm.
He stared at the page. He stared at the pictures. He turned the page. I turned it back. He tried to turn it again.
"What are you doing?"
"How many pages are there?"
"It doesn't matter. Will you please read the story?"
"Can I just read half the book and still get a chocolate?"
"You can't even read the first word, Isaac. You're not going to get any chocolate at this rate."
"Can I have a grape then?"
The war of attrition dragged on. I barely remember how we get to the end of the book.
It's like the 100 years war. I remember these ordeals only in flashbacks, like a shell-shocked Vietnam vet. I see tears (usually mine), much finger-jabbing, story books being thrown, chocolates being dangled over bins, threats, bribes, heads in hands, hands round throats and the occasional beating of fists on the kitchen floor.
We end like two battle-scarred prize-fighters hugging at the end of the final round. There's only ever one winner, and it's never me. It's also not unusual for me to be sporting a black eye.
And don't get me started on his spellings.
There seem to be five golden rules of writing hard-wired into our Isaac's brain.
* Don't start a word at the beginning of a line, there's more space in the middle of the page and, anyway, you can always cram the rest in at the end.
* The lines on the paper are merely a guide, obeyed by fools. Write above them, below them, even through them, but never, ever, write your words on the line.
* No two letters must be the same size.
* At least one of those letters must be printed the wrong way round.
* You can't press your pencil on the page hard enough. Three pencil-point snaps a page is the bare minimum.
There have of course been some suggestions that perhaps the blame lies at my door. That I lack the patience and teaching skills required to harness the creative potential of my kids. But surely I'm not alone?
As my wife paraphrases: "Those who can, do; those who can't … would be better employed licking out the rabbit hutch."
I know my place.
So, is it possible to bring out the best in your children without having to resort to chocolate bribes and waterboarding?
Send your suggestions to richard.ord@northeast-press.co.uk or write to the usual address. Alternatively, tweet me at @DickyO on Twitter.com
Luddites, scrawl your suggestion on a brick and lob it over the fence. Mark it clearly FAO Richard Ord.
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Friday 10 February 2012
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