Sordid sex dream affairs exposed as nation's outrage is stretched to breaking point
Can the nation possibly sustain its current levels of outrage?
Within a few short weeks we've had Tiger Woods, John Terry, Ashley Cole and Vernon Kaye dominating the front pages of the tabloids with their sexual infidelities. I don't know about you but I'm outraged out.
There's nothing left in the locker. Not a squeak. Try as I might, and lord knows I've tried, I can barely muster a show of mild indifference at the continuing saga of celebrity shenanigans.
Even shrugging my shoulders is beyond me now. I'm limiting myself to one shoulder shrug a day. The left shoulder, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays: the right on a Tuesday and Thursday. On Sundays I raise an eyebrow, and if I'm feeling particularly piqued, the occasional dismissive wave, but nothing more.
Yet still, I crave more outrage.
Thank goodness the tabloids are feeding my needs in more and more inventive ways.
Take Vernon Kaye for example and his sordid affair. Well, I say affair, but what he embarked on to give its full title was a "Sex Text Affair." Absolutely disgusting.
Okay so there's no sex or affair, but there was definitely some texting involved, and that's good enough for me and the Nation of the Outraged.
We demanded he apologise … and two days later there he was saying sorry on the front pages. In tears too, we like that.
There's still, however, some celebrities who, to me, are getting away from the brunt of our outrage scot free.
Isn't it about time these famous faces were up there apologising for their sordid Sex Dream Affairs?
You can't tell me even the most supposedly scandal-free celebrity hasn't kissed someone other than their partner in a dream? Yes, I'm looking at you Trevor McDonald.
Just thinking about it makes my blood boil. Gordon Brown is meant to be a pillar of society with one the most stable marriages in politics, yet, there he could be, in his dreams, brazenly walking hand in hand through the Houses of Parliament with a 23-year-old Raquel Welch! The pair of them both in animal fur loincloths like a scene out of One Million Years BC. They make me sick. And yet he could get away with it.
As an outraged member of society I demand he be brought to justice. Unleash the tabloids.
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Sex acts of a very real kind sparked outrage according to an Echo report the other week.
Two homeless men were caught performing a sex act in public that was, we revealed, "watched in horror" by a 90-year-old and an 18-year-old.
The performance took place outside a care home and despite the horror of the act appeared to attract a crowd of onlookers. So horrific was the scene that the onlookers could barely tear their eyes away.
Our story revealed that "a group reported seeing a 10-minute sex act … before officers arrived on the scene." I don't know who kept the stopwatch on the event but I'm sure the timings came in useful.
One person quoted in the story had this to say: "What these two men have done in front of me will live with me for a long time. I couldn't get it out of my head."
It read like a glowing review. Had the witness added: "Five stars: totally mesmerising." I'd be up for buying a ticket.
The Royalty theatre in Sunderland has reported it is desperate to get punters through the door, I believe we may have stumbled upon the answer to their problems.
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Thanks to reader Anne Donnan who wrote to admonish me for my grammar.
Anne, of Sunderland, wrote: "How can you possibly describe Sir Paul McCartney so ungrammatically as 'Him what was in the Beatles'?"
My apologies. It should of course have read "Him what used to be in the Beatles."
I'm happy to set the record straight.
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Friday 10 February 2012
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