Just how do you deal with a plague of zombies? Spray, pellets or egg whisk?
We've suffered ants, wasps and the occasional earwig, but now there's a new infestation troubling the Ord household … zombies.
You'll appreciate what a pain the living dead can be: Shambling about in their tatty clothing, moaning loudly and leaving the occasional decomposing limb in the airing cupboard.
And that's not to mention their annoying habit of tearing your eyes from their sockets and feasting on your flesh.
Unlike wasps and ants, there's no spray or powder on the market to deal with these godless creatures. A liberal dose of Ghoul Pellets in the garden would be great, but you can't get them for love nor money.
Decapitation is the only answer. Shotgun, axe or aggressively applied egg whisk, it matters not a jot as long as you disconnect zombie brain from zombie spinal chord.
Ever prepared for an apocalyptic future, I have investigated fully the latest zombie sighting in our house and have so far turned up … nothing.
I'm beginning to doubt the claims of our five-year-old.
"And where did you see this zombie?" I asked him after the latest episode.
"He was under my bed."
"Under your bed?"
"Yes," our Isaac said. "Then he went under the covers."
"Under the covers?"
"Yes. He's there now."
Gripping the egg whisk tightly I went under to investigate. Nothing.
"There's no zombie there."
"He must have gone."
The timings of his zombie sightings have added an air of truth to his claims. They are all made in the dead of night. For the last few weeks (it may be years) he has been up at midnight, 2am, 3am, 4.45am (There isn't an am. in single figures, he hasn't been up at).
The claims have included not only zombies in the bed, but teddy bears turning their heads and George, his toy monkey, being "a bit scary."
All these horrors are followed by the question: "Is it morning time yet?"
I'm beginning to suspect it's all a ruse. He just wants to get on with the day.
His concept of time is a bit flaky.
We have just about mastered days. Although we measure them in "sleeps." There are seven sleeps in a week. Years are measured in birthdays but shorter time spans are a little more difficult.
After his latest zombie sighting (5.30am, Tuesday) I got involved in a protracted debate over when he was supposed to get up.
"How long until morning time?" he demanded.
"In another two hours."
Blank look. "How long?"
"Erm, about four trips to you Grandma's house."
It didn't compute. "How long?" he demanded again.
Exasperated, I managed: "About this long," indicating about four feet wide with my outstretched arms.
This he understood, and went back to bed.
I turned round and, Jesus Christ!, came face to face with a zombie. The hollow cheeks, dead eyes and matted hair in the bathroom mirror were unmistakeable.
The zombie brushed his teeth and got dressed for work.
* You can follow Richard Ord on Twitter by going on www.twitter.com and typing in DickyO. Alternatively you can harangue him through the more traditional postal method, contact details on page 8.
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Weather for Sunderland
Friday 10 February 2012
Today
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Temperature: -3 C to 2 C
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