I'll shake them up when I'm in charge
I'm fired up with the suggestion that if Sunderland was ever blessed with an elected Mayor I would seem to be an ideal candidate.
Although perhaps a lone voice in the wilderness, a letter from Vedra to the Echo this week suggested such a thing – and ignited a raging fire of fearless change.
Time to turn the tide of this once-proud city.
First, of course, your first lady would have to be suitably attired with the biggest of bling chains from Primark to set her seal on the office and as a penny-pinching example to any money-grabbing, gravy train councillors.
My no-nonsense manifesto would outlaw: the wearing of pyjamas in public, with Asbos slapped on defaulters; parrot hoop earrings; fat, sweaty, shirtless men; and hoodies.
As for a city with no toilet in its train station, I would follow in the footsteps of the mayor of Clochemerle, that fictitious rural French village where the mayor's erection of a "pissoir" (gentlemen's public convenience) opened to the playing of a brass band. One for the ladies, too.
As for our train station – it has to be the worst in the land, an embarrassment given it's the gateway to our once-gracious city that boasted a station with a north and south end.
But now we've got a dead-end, a bomb shelter where the pyjama brigade, parrot hoop earring, hoodie wearers and medallion men munch their Greggs' pasties undercover to avoid detection by the fashion police.
After more than a decade of dead-end wrangling with Tesco, the Vaux site would be ours at long last, rising like a phoenix from the ashes.
The focal point would be a new civic centre, a replica of our old Town Hall so unforgiveably and wantonly demolished with reckless abandon in the misguided belief that a new, modern structure in Burdon Road would be miles better.
It never was, never should have been built and since Princess Margaret opened it so appropriately on Guy Fawkes Day1970, it's been a damp squib.
And the decree would go out to everyone, especially those in Silksworth Hall Drive, who have a piece of masonry in their garden walls from the old town hall in Fawcett Street – gargoyles and carved stonework – to bring them back for the new build.
All approach roads to our desultory city will be be decorated with vibrant floral arrangements, starting with the landfill at Houghton Cut.
It will be fumigated and planted with roses to take our breath away... in a totally different way to the current, gut-churning stench that says Sunderland stinks.
Down by the river I'd reinstate the much-loved old ferryboat service off High Street East. I reckon there'd be plenty of takers for paying 50p a trip, half-price for OAPs, children free and a season ticket for students.
A retro-style seafront would pull in the punters for fun in the sun – donkey rides, crazy golf, a boating lake and the recreation of Notarianni's, with booths perfect for slurping banana splits, cupfuls of coffee, tea, hot chocolate or whatever takes your fancy... all served in Pyrex ware.
With an eye to serious savings, our 75 men and women councillors could shut up shop, given that Sunderland already has enough wind and water.
What a pretty penny they cost Wearside taxpayers last year – more than 1million in pay and expenses.
No more footing the bill for fact-finding trips abroad; 216 mileage for travelling to a Buckingham Palace garden party; 7.20 for two bacon butties.
To further set an example to the nation a statue would be erected – not to the city's 12 just men but the 12 unjust men who the populace would vote for as having done the most damage to Sunderland.
Give them their just deserts and pillory them publicly. Cast your votes ...there's no time to lose.
P.S If I were ever so lucky to be elected to this estimable role it would be totally bona fide and free, with dress and hat costs totally reliant on Colling collateral.
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Weather for Sunderland
Friday 10 February 2012
Today
Cloudy
Temperature: -3 C to 2 C
Wind Speed: 15 mph
Wind direction: South
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Temperature: 1 C to 3 C
Wind Speed: 10 mph
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