'A hot water bottle? For pushing a screaming football through one's passage?'
Alison Goulding attends her first antenatal class...
I won't forget my first antenatal class for a long time, not for lack of trying.
It's important to state quickly, for the benefit of my dear mother, that I am categorically not up the duff, there is no bun in the oven, I am without child.
However, my pal is very much with child, hence the trip to a health centre on Tuesday.
I agreed to go because I thought it would be hilarious. I imagined we'd have to lie on the floor and do funny breathing exercises and practice holding a plastic baby or something.
Not quite. The hour-long session was made up entirely of a lovely midwife running through 9,000 methods of pain relief ranging from the sublime (take lots of drugs) to the ridiculous (have a bath).
For the whole session she wore a pitying expression veiled by a weak smile as if to say "Oh dear, girls, we are in a pickle aren't we? Never mind, let's make the best of it."
All the other mums were older, which made us feel like naughty teenagers who'd wandered into the wrong room looking for free condoms.
More spookily, all the couples looked scarily alike.
There wasn't much chat before the class – everyone looked a bit frightened.
We were all a bit incredulous in the "natural painkiller" portion. A hot water bottle? For pushing a screaming football through one's passage? Chocolate fireguard anyone?
Ears pricked up during the diamorphine factfile when the nurse led off with "This is a Class A drug", which turned to fear as the dreaded epidural was brought up.
"Has anyone heard anything, good or bad, about epidurals?" said our host in a quavering voice.
Out of interest I glanced around the room to gauge everyone's reaction to the question.
Even someone like me, who is particularly ignorant about children and their methods of arrival, knows about epidurals.
They make you poo yourself. Ask anyone and they know a friend of a friend who had an epidural and pooed everywhere.
There was silence around the room but I knew what they were thinking.
Poo. Unscheduled poo.
It might be one of nature's cruellest tricks that the arrival of a beautiful newborn baby also coincides with a strong possibility that you may lose control of your bowels.
Thankfully the mood in the room lifted when we learned that having an epidural requires one to strike a posture like an angry cat while the experts stick a tube in your back.
Difficult it may be, but childbirth could never be accused of being boring.
The conclusion to the educative hour was a brief footnote that "Labour for firstborns is usually 12 hours".
Cue about seven suicidal faces shuffling out of the health centre and into the night.
I've always believed in education and since learning all about childbirth's colourful ways, I won't be going anywhere near any men at all unless I'm wearing a wet suit – just in case.
I'm prepared to review my caution the second scientists figure a way of delivering babies neatly and quickly through your big toe.
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Weather for Sunderland
Tuesday 07 February 2012
Today
Sunny spells
Temperature: -3 C to 6 C
Wind Speed: 9 mph
Wind direction: South west
Tomorrow
Sunny
Temperature: -2 C to 1 C
Wind Speed: 10 mph
Wind direction: South
