Abominable smells
Nick's really got into his football again, after it took him a year to get over being unceremoniously booted out of his former club.
He really gives it his all in training, although he is often rather over-enthusiatic in tackles.
I haven't actually seen him play for his new team, but I know he chucks himself around – because I have his kit to wash, which comes back in a disgusting state.
In fact, they all seem to revel in the filth of it all. Every week, he's compelled to show off to anyone around the state of the salt stains on the inside of his shin pads.
But the worst of all are the boots, compounded by the fact he wears two pairs of socks and has horrifically smelly feet anyway.
They took abominable smells to a new level.
We couldn't pinpoint where or what it was coming from.
I blamed it initially on a stray tom cat which I presumed had been locked in and had urinated all over some inaccessible radiator.
We finally pinned it down last week to his astroturf boots, which had been festering in a plastic bag. If you get within three feet of them, they actually make your eyes water.
The fact that they are shiny and lime green just seems to make matters worse... it's like they're mutating into a hideous life-form out of a 1950s horror B-movie – or the radioactive waste from The Simpsons.
I've resorted to spraying half a bottle of a well-known brand of cleaner that kills 99.9 per cent of all known germs into them and abandoning them in the garage.
Of course, I bet that the germs that cause the stench are the 0.1 per cent that survive to stink another day.
On the subject of smelly boots and socks, why do men and boys think it's OK to try and push them under women's noses?
It's not funny, never has been, and we don't like it. Nick has been warned about this.
But it was funny when Gary's sister Susan was over at the weekend. She said he used to sit on her and hold his boots under her nose.
Now, that's enough to damage anyone for life – and proof that men never grow up.
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Friday 10 February 2012
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